Visual Work
Signature Work
Artist Statement
I make art to communicate a message-- I want my artwork to be more than something that people look at and then move on to the next art piece without thinking much about it. I want people to question the artwork and question what it makes them feel. Mental health is an important topic and I want to shine a positive light on the matter. My signature work allows me to communicate an important message to society about mental health in a creative expression. By representing the people I interview through photography and typography as everyday individuals who live with mental health. I am telling their stories to give them a voice in their life. I hope by looking at these photographs and reading their stories that the audience will have a better understanding and compassion toward others’ mental health.
Each individual conducts a 30-minute interview about their mental health and then their portrait was taken. Each individual is kept anonymous to respect their stories.
My Journey
During the Pandemic, I felt more trapped and stuck at home in a negative environment. It’s not easy, there is a requirement to live now that we did not have before. It’s a new standard way of living, did I bring a mask? Am I doing something wrong? There is new pressure from society. On the positive side of things, I have become more aware and in the tune with who I am and what I need to do to focus on my mental health. One of the changes I have made is focusing on what triggers my anger. I tend to get angry easily and get triggered. I focus on pauses, breathing, and walking away so that I am not snipping toward others, it takes too much energy. I don’t let little things trigger me and consume me anymore. I want to be more confident in the things I do and how I am around others. I am a people pleaser and people take advantage of that and I feel this pressure if I tell someone “no.” I want to be more confident when it comes to it.
My Life
In 2006 my brother took his own life after ruining his life by committing a very socially reprehensible crime. He had attempted suicide more than once, the first time was when he was 18 and I was 14. I watched my mother die from Alzheimer’s, which is a horrible disease that erases a person that you have loved all your life. I watched my father die From cancer (and the treatments) for over 4 years, wasting away and slowly starving to death. I fear that I will get Alzheimer’s and die alone, confused, and lost.
I have to have virtual shrink visits, I feel the political trappings have made me feel alienated for too long, from time and friends, which is sad. I hope to feel fulfilled and comfortable as I age out of being able to work anymore. I hope I have the financial means to take care of myself and the people in my life.
Things to support my mental health, exercise, take my meds, sleep, know when I need a break, and recognize when the clouds are closing in. I have the support I need. I recognize that my depression can be really hard on the people who care about me.
To Be a Man
Growing up he was often told the phrase “BE A MAN.” Whenever something bad would happen, you would expect a reaction to happen, you would see emotions. But when I look at my dad, my friend’s parents, and their fathers, they never showed emotions, they just put them aside and keep their emotions to themselves.
When I was sent to a psych ward, there were a lot of other guys around 18-30 years old who all felt the same way. They were all saying the same thing, we keep our emotions inside until we blow up. When I left the psych ward, I wanted to be open about it, I wanted to say “this is me, this is what I am going through.” But my parents were very against it. They would say, “It is a private thing, don’t let others know what happened.” This reaction keeps the negative stigma around talking about mental health and that it has to be hidden. I realized how dangerous it was to keep all of this inside.
We did an intervention for one of my friend’s dads, it was with a group of guys to share their stories. No one wanted to share/talk, and no one showed emotions or cried. Because of how men are raised, we are told to keep everything hidden, “you don’t say those kinds of things.” When a guy goes in saying they need mental health help, they are not taken seriously. When my friend was on the edge of committing suicide and went in asking for help, they sent him home the next day after being detoxed.
I have anxiety, depression, and dissociative disorder. I had to advocate for myself for over 3 months before I could get help. When things get very stressful, I disconnect from everything.
My Emotions are Real
When schools went to remote learning it was one of the most stressful semesters, I broke down more times than I can count. I’m not good with changes and adjusting, I like things to stay the same. I also think not being able to see anymore was really difficult. I’m a student at a new school and everything was online, even when classes went back in person after being online for a year I still felt brand new. I didn’t really know anyone and
I felt like people didn’t really care. You’re paying all this money for a private school and you’re not being able to talk to people and socialize like you would with in-person classes. I can be really hard on myself when things don’t go well with school. I have a really tough time when it comes to exams.
I will study for hours and then I will have the exam and I don’t do well. I just think to myself all those hours studying went down the drain, it is very upsetting. I have to remind myself every day during the semester that the grade on the paper or what I get on an exam does not translate to what I know or how smart I am.
There is no point in comparing what people go through, because if it’s a big deal to me and it affects me then it is completely valid. There is no point in invalidating what I say or how I feel.
What do you want others to know?
My Story
When I was a child, my mother came from El Salvador pregnant with me trying to escape the Civil War. They were fighting against communism and capitalism, which one was right or wrong; good or bad. My father and sister were killed during the war, so my mother decided to take me back to be closer to my family. I grew up while things were being destroyed and gangs were rising; my start was tough. There are many events like this that have affected my mental health, but I have overcome them.
During Covid, I was able to spend time self-reflecting, spend more time with my kids, and spend more time reflecting on myself. There are times when I worry if I have enough money to pay the bills, but I try to focus more on the positive type of things. I would say my mental health has improved over the last two years. One of the things that help me get back on track is drawing, whenever I’m stressed and have a lot going on. When I start drawing or painting, I forget about everything else that is going on and I just focus on the painting or drawing. Something else I like to do is care for others about how they feel mentally, see someone smile and get advice. That is why I started my own business in art therapy. Being able to meet new people and also do something I love which is drawing and painting, and giving people mental support. It helps me grow as a person and gives me a better perspective and point in life.
I Am Unique
I think the pandemic has been a good thing for me because I was at home and I didn’t have to worry about wearing a mask and I was comfortable. Everything was online for school, and I only needed to leave my house about once per week to buy groceries. When things opened again, it was really difficult to adjust back to school and work full time, it caused a lot of anxiety.
I have anxiety about everything constantly, there are no levels of anxiety, it’s either something really big or nothing at all. I get really hyper-focus on one thing and in my brain, I blow up scenarios that are never really going to happen. It’s like a train of constant thoughts and anxiety. To take care of my anxiety, I take anti-anxiety meds, trying to work on it myself isn’t easy and I
usually have to talk to someone about it. It is difficult for me to separate my worries from what is really going on around me (real-life scenarios). Growing up, my family and close friends have been understanding. My mom has been very supportive of my anxiety with my dad, It was more difficult.
Thinking about the future really stresses me out especially right now, I am about to graduate and I will be entering the real world. My main goal in life is to be happy and I want to be an illustrator. Something I have come to realize is that no one is going to show up for me, I need to do that myself. I am putting in the work to make my future better.
My Home
I am very neutral about the pandemic and my mental health, I’m more of an introvert, so for me, the pandemic was a good thing. I was able to focus on myself a lot more, I was able to read, write, draw, drive, and watch movies, and I had a lot of free time. I also spent a lot of time with my sister going for hikes and to the beach, which I really enjoyed. I do miss the lack of communication and being able to go, but I was ok with it.
At the moment I have been very stressed with work, it has started to have a negative impact on my life. I have to work on my days off, even when I am trying to relax, work is following me everywhere. When I am with my family, I have my work phone with me and I am always thinking about work. When I get an email, I always check and it has given me a lot of stress. I started to mute my phone and the notifications related to work on my days off and I also had to tell my boss that I am no longer working on my days off. In the beginning, I was ok with it, but I started to get more stressed and I noticed I would grind my teeth when I was driving to work. My excitement about working has gone down and my happiness. From now on I was to have a boundary and balance between my work and my own personal life.
One thing I do to support my mental health is to drive my motorcycle. It gives me a sense of freedom, it is fun, and my stress goes away. One of my favorite places to visit and that is symbolic to me is the Marin Headlands and Point Reyes.
I Am Brave
I have depression and anxiety that I deal with every day, and most of it is social anxiety. But it is all in my head, it’s not something people are projecting on me. It is what I am personally projecting on myself, I walk around having constant thoughts of insecurity. I have body dysmorphic disorder, and it causes anorexia, social anxiety, and depression when it comes to myself, how I look and how people view me. Walking around, most people don’t pay attention to you, but I feel like they are paying attention to me, what I look like, and what I am doing. It is this pressure that I have been perfect all the time and it really sucks, it is a lot for me to mentally focus on. It makes me sound vain in most circumstances because when I walk by mirrors I am constantly looking at my face and making sure everything is ok. It’s difficult for me because I don’t really know what I actually look like. My view is altered in a way that I view myself as a very big overweight person, but in reality, I wear a size small. It’s really weird how my brain works, and it causes a lot of anxiety for me, especially in social settings.
I recently started therapy and feel getting ideas and tricks to fix it really helps. Being aware of when I am being critical towards myself and how I look, and asking myself why I am feeling this way and why is this triggering me. An example is my relationship with food. I have to remind myself that food is not a reward. I used to not eat until I burned at least 500 calories. I would say I can’t have breakfast yet, because I haven’t worked out. I try to catch myself in these moments and reassure myself that I need food and that it’s ok.
“Be open that’s all, too many people keep everything inside, everyone keeps everything inside, and it’s not good. It’s time to be open, if you are feeling sad, then let’s talk about it.”
~Anonymous
“I would say slow down, trying to do everything at once can hurt you, take a step back, analyze what is going on in your life; so you can see what is going well and what is going wrong. People have stubborn pride “my way or no way at all” I feel that way of thinking can hurt yourself, by taking a step back you can see what is going on and make better changes to your life.”
~Anonymous
"If your friends are people who text a lot and then all of a sudden don’t, call them. Just call them, even if you had just had a conversation, call them if you're thinking about them, and check up on your friends. A phone call is nice because it shows you care."
~ Anonymous
"As I have come to understand it more, I see it like dark storm clouds that hover at the horizon. They are always there...and sometimes, I can feel them approaching and closing in, and I know what they are and thus also know how to deal with them so that they don't overwhelm me. Basically, I know the storm will come, and I know that it will be hard, but I also know that it will pass which helps me to keep from getting drawn in and lost in it."
~Anonymous
“I want people to realize that sometimes people need that extra reassurance (even though it might be annoying) and to know we ask not because we don’t believe, but because we don’t believe ourselves. People need to take that into
consideration.”
~Anonymous
“Depression shouldn’t be looked at as a condition or chronic illness like diabetes, it can be managed with proper treatment, but it is a real thing that can have serious effects, even if those suffering have learned to hide those effects. I know my depression is a physiological condi-
tion, and that the more I understand it, the better I can deal with it.”
~Anonymous
“It’s really easy to think that we are the only people having this experience and that can be really rough. Because even when you have support people can say ‘you didn’t have the experience I have. You don’t get it.’ Realizing that anxiety is something that a lot of people deal with and we can't be hard on people. Just because mental health doesn’t look the same for each person doesn’t mean one mental health diagnosis is more valid than the other.”
~Anonymous
“Be yourself ” It’s important to remind myself to be me, not anyone else.”
~Anonymous
At the end of each interview, I ask each person the same question above, these are the statements they gave.